Is the Soft Life Really Soft?

Sneak Peak: I left the Soft Life movement a long time ago. Here’s why.

Back in 2021, I was burned out. Corporate America does that to you. I was tired of being overworked. Suddenly, I found out that other women of color (WOC), like me, felt the same way. Next thing I heard of was the soft life. It drew me in. I was starting to log off work on time. Then, I went on solo dates. After that, I bought myself a bouquet of flowers every Sunday after church.

Eventually, I started to see more YouTube videos coaching me on how to live a soft life. First, I needed to always have my nails done. I wore acrylics back in college, but I stopped because some of the tasks required manual labor. One time, I broke my nail swinging on a vine with my students during a camp.

I decided to get acrylics again because I wanted to feel softer and feminine. Acrylics in Seattle were around $200 USD to keep up with. After that, there was another video. The woman was sharing how fake lashes made her feel softer and feminine.

Must…get…fake…lashes! Fun fact, I have thick eyelashes. I don’t need fake lashes. My mom sometimes tells me she’s jealous that I don’t need to wear lashes. Anyway, I got fake lashes. That was $80 USD a month to keep up with.

Now, it’s makeup. I had to purchase name brands. I had to do my yearly haul of makeup. I had to have my eyebrows arched perfectly. My face had to be beaten and soft. It had to be soft-glam. Soft-glam is soft. Right? My makeup hauls were $500 USD a year. Am I done, yet? Nope.

Next, more videos instructed me that I had to wear dresses all the time. “Stop wearing pants. It’s not soft. It’s masculine. Wear dresses.” Noted. I went through my closet, purged out clothing that was “masculine”, and went on a shopping spree to find dresses. Next, heels. Yes, another video told me that you must wear heels. Okay, okay. Fine. I went to buy 3-to-4-inch heels. Okay, am I soft now?

No. Next it was accessories. More videos shared how wearing necklaces and jewelry makes them feel more feminine and softer. Yeesh. I bought accessories. Then, wigs. Yes, one video told me that you must have “long-flowy hair”. Uhm, I’m Black and have natural hair. How does that work? Get a wig. Now, I’m not a fan of straight hair, personally. I opted for a Brazilian wig. Another $200 down the drain.

My look after church featuring my new hair.

Next was fitness. I enjoy going for walks. I didn’t look cute, though. Women were sharing their matching biker shorts and sports bras. Cute yoga pants. All the cute stuff. They were doing squats with that “soft girl” filter and calming music. I went to Pink (Victoria's Secret athletic store) and purchased workout clothes so I could look cute while walking. Am I soft, now?

No, next it’s the apartment. Another video shared how to make your living space softer. Get some leaves, some pink décor (yellow is my favorite color). I did that. I invested in matching rugs, everything. I wanted my place to have a soft aesthetic. Plus, I was renting the top floor of my apartment building. I had high ceilings. Balcony with a pool. You know what that means, right? Mimosas and brunch on my balcony. It’s soft.

The End of My Soft-Girl Era

When I was laid off in 2023, I couldn’t do the soft life anymore. The soft life costs money. When you're laid-off, you need to save money. I said goodbye to my acrylic nails. I learned how to paint them at home. My nails are now healthier since I don’t wear acrylics anymore. Crazy, huh? I ditched the wigs and learned how to style my natural hair. I always had natural hair. Why not wear the hair God gave me? Over time, I studied what oils to use in my hair, co-washing techniques, and all. Now, I have locs and I think they’re cute on me.

My shopping sprees had to end. I took a look at my closet and learned to be content with the clothes I had. Now, I hardly go shopping for clothes. If I do, it’s at the Ross clearance rack. I took a look at my luxury apartment. I was living beyond my means. Plus, it was too big for me to live in. I wanted to downsize and save money (I moved back to Florida to leave for my ship job.)

Authentically Me

Check out my new longboard!

I realized I was performing. I wasn’t being me. I went back to playing video games. Now, I enjoy playing my PlayStation 5 once a month. I enjoy dancing, so I dance for fun. I bought a longboard to live a dream of mine. I solo-travel more. I’m studying alternative medicine. I indulge in occasional luxuries. I live with fewer things. Now, I feel connected with who I am—God-loving, feminine, minimalist, tomboy-hippie.

Disclosure

I’m not trashing women who are genuinely girly girls. If you love to wear heels, dresses, and makeup all the time, do you! I have a friend who is a lace-front queen, and it amazes me how she can switch up her hair all the time. I still support self-care. You should take time off once a month, if you can, to do something for yourself. You should have a rest day. You should exercise. You should brush your teeth. You should shower. You should keep up with your basic maintenance. What I am saying is this, self-care shouldn’t cost you an arm and a leg.

I still support the original philosophy of the soft life movement. The movement was created to break the stereotype of the “workhorse” Black woman (and WOC). It gave women, like me, a chance to rest. We’re always placed in the “backbone” role. We tend to our families, men, children, and our co-workers.

For once, someone told me to rest. Now, I tell people to get off work on time. Don’t take work home. Own a business (that brings you joy and if that’s for you). Have a hobby. Your hobby doesn’t need to be a business. Enjoy doing something for you. Read a scripture a day in the morning to give you some clarity and time with God. Take one day out of the week to have an unstructured day. This is your day of rest. If God rested, why aren’t we?

Why The Soft Life Isn’t Soft 

Today, I don’t cosign with the new soft life movement. This new soft life movement isn’t about resting. It’s about keeping up with appearances. It’s focused on vanity, capitalism, preying on our vulnerabilities as women, and people are going broke just to have a new workout machine. Someone told me something one day and it’s real. “Leisure is free. Luxury requires work.” It’s true. If you want luxury, you need to work hard to pay for it. You can read a book for free at the library.

I ask you, how are you resting? How can you rest when you’re in debt? How can you rest when you’re overworked? How can you rest when you’re consumed with trying to look pretty all the time? The new soft life movement isn’t for me and here’s why.

#1: Extreme Capitalism

I was on Instagram one afternoon and saw Pilates equipment. I thought it was cute. The advertisement bothered me a bit. In order for me to “serve body”, I had to get their equipment. I clicked on it and I realized that I had to pay for a membership and pay to get the equipment separately. When did Pilates become expensive? All you need is a mat. I clicked out of it and shook my head. As I kept scrolling, another ad popped up. “Get your soft-girl glow with our new vitamins!” When did vitamins cost $40 USD? Another ad told me, “Get happy with your skin with our natural oils!” Intimate oils are now $30 USD? Skin care products are now $200 USD?

When I think of the soft life movement today, I see women buying stuff just to feel softer. Women are going into debt to keep up with this lifestyle. If you don’t believe me, here are stories of Black women sharing their debt crisis due to the soft life. The Bible warns us about extreme debt.

"The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.

-Proverbs 22:7 NIV

When you’re obsessed with spending your paycheck on looking soft, all you are doing is making yourself a slave to the lifestyle. How can you be free when you’re a slave? Let that sink in.

#2: The Feminine Stereotype

The soft life celebrates women as long as you look a certain way. I believe Black women hopped to the new soft life movement as a counterattack to men (especially Black men) associating them with being “masculine”. You can’t call a Black woman masculine if she’s wearing a dress and some heels? If she has locs and some Keds? Yeah, she’s probably masculine. As a result, we are now performing, yet again, to appeal to men. Our focus should be on God first (that’s for #3).

With the whole Pilates craze, there has been reporting of bullying behavior if you don’t have a certain physique. This bullying behavior exists among all races. The soft life today has made it clear: if you don’t fit in with us, you can’t sit with us. I’m good. I’m sure the soft life movement wouldn’t welcome me playing my PlayStation 5 at a Pilates and Mimosas session. I believe womanhood is diverse. God has made us all different. We aren’t made to fit in a box.

When I read the Bible, I write down the lives of incredible women who didn’t fit the feminine stereotype. Esther, the orphan who became queen and saved the Jews from persecution. Miriam, the prophetess and sister of Moses, who sang to praise the Lord with the Israelites. Deborah, a judge! I can name several more. What I’m saying is this: God didn’t pigeonhole us to fit into a stereotype. In fact, He thought of us before we were born and set us apart.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

– Jeremiah 1:5 NIV

I don’t think God cares if you have a long, flowy wig to serve. I’m sure He’s focused on other things—like us spreading the gospel. God has appointed you to do something in this world. Are you doing that thing He wants you to do or are you focused on your next Pilates and Mimosas class?

#3: It Preys on Vulnerabilities

I saw another advertisement telling women to use their products and their skin can look brighter, more radiant, and better. I’ve seen other ads telling women to get in shape to please their husbands. Another one promises if you purchase their makeup, you will get a “soft glam glow”. All of this does one thing: it targets women who are feeling insecure.

We’re told daily as women that we aren’t enough. Our bodies aren’t good enough if it isn’t “serving body” for bikini pics. If we have stretch marks, a fupa, or anything undesirable, it’s not welcomed.  If we dare get a pimple, we’re doomed. If we can’t arch our eyebrows, our makeup isn’t right. This causes us to buy things in order to make us feel better. However, these things only bring us temporary pleasure before the insecurities come back up again.

Happiness is temporary and it fades. Joy, on the other hand, is internal. This type of joy only comes from the Lord. The Bible tells us that beauty fades, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. A woman who is in sync with the Lord receives joy. No makeup, workout equipment, or acrylic nails can give her this.

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

-Proverbs 31:30 NIV

If you didn’t know this, now you know. The world cares about your charm and beauty. It preys on your insecurities, so you can buy things to feel good, or to “serve body” in bikinis. God, on the other hand, cares about your spirit on the inside. He wants your inner beauty to shine. The side of you that can exemplify what love is to others (and to yourself). I’m sorry. Nothing about the soft life is giving love. Nothing about the soft life is soft. A movement that now preys on vulnerabilities? I’m good.

Until next time,

-Brittany