Surviving Survivors Guilt While Abroad

Sneak Peak: Don’t Feel Guilty for Where God Sends You

It’s been two months since I left the U.S. (again) for work. While I’ve been enjoying amenities of living on a cruise ship, and making new friends with people across the world, I still feel a feeling of guilt.

I’m seeing the chaos going on in the U.S. The government has been shut down. Lawmakers are playing culture wars and blame games, instead of coming up with solutions to benefit people. Government employees aren’t being paid (look at what’s happening with the TSA), and the food stamp program, SNAP, is running out of funds. This means that people will be hungrier for Thanksgiving. Great.

A picture of Amber Cove, Dominican Republic from the bridge on the ship.

A part of me feels guilty because I left people I love and they're still living in the chaos. Unlike them, I don’t have to worry about where my next meal will come. I eat three meals a day, plus snacks, and I can treat myself to an expensive plate of food, if I want to. I treat myself to the spa and sauna rooms often. I get to try exotic dishes from other countries. I’m in a new country almost daily. I have a bed to rest on that is paid for. All I worry about is working. That’s it. So, why do I feel guilty?

The Struggle of Being a Black Expat

Being an American expat is one thing. Being an African-American expat is another issue. For those who aren’t African-American, this is the time to just sit, read, and learn. This includes blacks in the diaspora. Being an African-American comes with its own struggles. You’re in a rich country (sort of), but at the same time, you still feel and see the inequality.

Unlike those who have hopes of "making it in America", or making their parent's proud since they sacrificed to come to the states, the sense of "making it" isn't there for most of us. Instead, we just want to be left alone. Most of us don’t care to assimilate, but we’ve been forced to do so. This means we’re suspectable to more mental health issues, pre-mature deaths, and other health related issues than other ethnicities.

For example, you have to worry about being pulled over by a cop or another annoying Karen harassing you. You have to worry about your hair, skin color, how you speak, etc. To add on to that, our history has been wiped out of text books and inclusive programs for disadvantaged populations. For most of us, this sense of struggling for generations brings us together as a community.

I was discussing with a friend why some Americans are staying behind. He said to me he’s staying behind because he can’t make it a habit to run away from problems. A few other African-Americans I’ve spoken to feel the same way. When I was living in Portugal after finishing my last role, in hopes of immigrating there, I had support, but there was also a silent of judgment of no longer being a part of the “struggle”. I’ve been asking myself lately if I am running away from problems in my country or is God calling me to a narrow path that not many will take?

Don’t Feel Guilty for Where God Sends You

As I’m walking with God a lot more, He’s been sending me on paths that won’t make sense to most people. Most people wouldn't give up a six-figure income and the “American Dream” (or the idea of living the “American Dream”), to live on a cruise ship, being paid poverty level to most Americans, and working every day—with no days off. However, while I’ve been gone, God has been utilizing me in spaces that are needed. I’ve been helping people of all walks of live advance in their careers, coaching them in their current jobs, and I smile to people daily to brighten their day. It may not mean much to some people, but it means a lot to me to be a representation of Christ, while away from my home country. In other words, God is everywhere—not just the U.S.A.

A New Season

For years, I’ve advocated for Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion spaces at work. I was the person who introduced cultural events. I was the one who mentored first-generation and minority interns. I was the one fighting in rooms, ensuring people like me had a voice and they were represented. I was that #blackwomanintech. With all of this fighting came exhaustion that I hid very well.

I received my MPT Certification this month. One step in my career in L&D as a trainer.

While I still support DEI initiatives, being less involved in the movement has been hard for me to adjust to. I’m used to fighting, so it’s hard for me to now play the role of not fighting. I know it sounds weird. Why would you want to fight? When fighting and resilience is a part of your cultural identity and you no longer have to, there's a sense of you that is missing. I’m not sure what God has for me next, but for now, I’m slowly giving myself self-compassion for making the decision to step in faith, change my career, and work abroad. For those who are in a similar situation, or struggling with survivor's guilt, I have this for you:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,

who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28 NIV

Key word: His purpose. Not yours. Not your family. Not your friends. For God. I’m encouraging someone to not be afraid to step out in faith, when called to do so. It won’t make sense to people, but it is for your good. Whatever the Lord has for you.

Until next time,

-Brittany